Showing posts with label Groucho Marx. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Groucho Marx. Show all posts

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Liar, liar, pants on fire. Hanging on a telephone wire.


That I shall leave this world unsung is, truth to tell, a blessing in disguise. Haven’t you noticed how Indian obit writers unabashedly indulge themselves in flights of fancy and plumb the depth of obsequity – apart from vandalizing the English language mercilessly − when it comes to doing their job without fear or favour? (In their midst, not even a single Saadat Hasan Manto, eh?) Their unspoken excuse is that hypocrisy as a tenet of (politically?) correct behaviour is allegedly a part and parcel of Indian “culture”. It stipulates that no evil shall be spoken of the dearly departed never mind even if the truth has to be bent backwards or stood on its head as the situation requires. Little white lies are to be preferred to the beam of white light the poor man or woman may be facing in the hereafter.

Before you point your accusatory finger at me for blithely following their exemplary example in titling this post, let me confess to a weakness for children’s ditties (simple words, uncomplicated rhyming, easy-to-memorize) over the more obfuscatingly worded verses of the idiosyncratic 19th-century poet. Mind you, this worthy was shunned by his envious and contemptuous contemporaries but posthumously hailed by latter-day critics as no less than a mystical visionary of the Romantic Age. I am thinking of the late and latterly lamented William Blake (1757-1827), Esquire, to wit. 

To put the records straight, this impudent versifier must have somehow got privy to the likelihood of his impending canonization in the annals of literature in the not too faraway future. To make sure it would come about, he cunningly decided to take recourse to an imagined version of Peter Roget’s “classed catalogue of words … of much use in literary composition” and launched his much celebrated poem, “The Liar” (1810), with a double-barreled fusillade of synonyms http://yhoo.it/1kFVsdE:

“Deceiver, dissembler 

Your trousers are alight 

From what pole or gallows 

Shall they dangle in the night?”


Ah, the infinite riches of the English language! A word for every shade of meaning yielding a surfeit of synonyms in most cases. But what we think is its strength could well be harbouring the seeds of its weakness, making it an easy tool of deceit when wielded by deceivers, dissemblers, fibbers, fabulists, perjurers, fabricators, story tellers, tale weavers, poets, dissimulators, falsifiers, con artists, deluders, imposters, false witnesses, fablers, misleaders, equivocators, tricksters, conjurors, quacks, pretenders, swindlers, statisticians and assorted liars of every ilk.

The celebrated American humourist and author, Mark Twain (1835-1910), is credited with this oft-quoted witticism: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics."  He, however, modestly declined authorship and pointed the finger at Disraeli (1804-1881). That itself turned out to be a posture. An essay on The University of York website on a Department of Mathematics page http://bit.ly/1sh70cv dealing with the various occurrences of “lies, damned …” avers, though not confidently, that its most likely source was Sir Charles Wentworth Dilke (1843-1911), a Liberal MP of the Victorian era, Under-Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs in Gladstone's second government and a Privy Council member whose extra-marital affairs ruined his political career. The Dilke wordings differ slightly, though: “fibs, lies, and statistics” in press reportage and “a fib, a lie, and statistics” in a verbal citing. Can you tell the truth from the lie?

Dr Samuel Johnson, the pioneer English lexicographer, once remarked: "Promise, large promise, is the soul of an advertisement." The two swindlers in Hans Christian Andersen’s “The Emperor’s New Clothes” faithfully followed that dictum to spread the word that they wove the finest cloth with colours as delicate as the butterflies’ and the cloth itself as light as gossamer with patterns beautiful and unusually intricate. Moreover, they claimed a magical quality for their cloth: stupid or incompetent people could not see it. The reigning Emperor who was quite a vain fob and nearly everyone else in the kingdom was taken in by the “large promise”, i.e., the enormous lie. Finally, it took a child’s innocence to pierce the veil of the falsehood.

Lying, come to think of it, is more often than not a work-in-progress. Once you have started your career as a liar, you have got to keep at it telling more lies to cover up the original lie. A soap ad on the idiot box, for instance, makes the claim that the product can deal the new strains of virus “ordinary” soaps cannot tackle. To further enhance the credibility of this claim, accreditation by a London organization connected with public health awarded for the brand’s hygiene-education initiative about hand washing http://bit.ly/1pGXL3r is touted as recognition of its improved wide-spectrum anti-virus action against newer strains.

Equally amusing are the truth-bending antics of toothpaste advertisers. Even if you brush your teeth twice a day, I am reasonably certain you gargle away nearly every trace of it from your mouth and teeth afterwards. So, unless the just brushed toothpaste’s foam defies the force of the gargle and resolutely clings to the teeth’s enamel or, better still, impregnates it and thus becomes a part of it, how can anyone in his right mind − and his tongue not firmly tucked in his cheek − claim with a straight face that the toothpaste keeps doing its good work in your mouth for 12 hours?

All this reminds me of Edgar Wallace’s Educated Evans stories about the exploits of a racing tout in the early part of the last century. Evans was apparently a character based on Wallace’s own experience as a tout before he turned a journalist. This irrepressible yarn-spinner laid claims to “inside information straight from the horse’s mouth” about fixed races. Many of these scams were quite bizarre and hard to believe unless you were a born victim.

“The reason for evil in the world is that people are not able to tell their stories,” opined Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961). When denied the attention, do they resort to lies in order to get a hearing? From little white ones to big black ones? The former are harmless diversions. The latter are motivated by intent to deceive.
In a Stephan Pastis’s Pearls Before Swine comic strip episode (Mumbai Mirror, 28 
March 2015), Rat and Goat have the following existential chitchat:

Rat: I have a large brain and it’s been conclusively proven that those with larger brains are smarter than those with smaller brains.

Goat: That’s not true.

Rat: Yes, it is.

Goat: How do you know?

Rat: Because something is true whenever you say it has been conclusively proven.

Goat: That’s not how that works.

Rat: Hey, in an age where no one reads, it’s how that works.

(I don’t know about you but I agree with Rat about the power of “conclusively proven”; I have recently seen it being used in a TV ad of a leading tea brand  claiming to contain herbal ingredients capable of keeping the tea drinker healthy and productive. The only evidence offered in support of the claim is, yes, you got it right: “conclusively proven”.)

By the way, if you did not like the above ending, I have another up my sleeve in the illustrious tradition of the fabulous fibber, Groucho Marx.         

A priest and a rabbi along with a pair of flaming panties (oops, pants) walked into a bar… Still don’t like it? Too bad, bud.


Friday, April 25, 2014

An Honest-to-goodness Tale from the Loco Shed. No kidding’!


Once again, thanks to a fortunate stroke of serendipity, I have chanced upon a children’s story I wrote in 1974 and abandoned to its fate. Pop Goes the Slop is already home to a distant cousin of the latest find. http://bit.ly/1m7bEWO  So without further ado, here comes the story of Chintamani and his loco friends spruced up and updated for 2014.

Chintu comes up with a loco idea.

“Tweet you tomorrow,” whistled Speedy Sparky as he whizzed past the loco shed.

“Whoosh,” sighed Huff’n’Puff wistfully. “Just look at him go!”

“Awwww! Speedy’s just a big show-off, he is,” consoled Chintu promptly. He did not like to see his old friend sad and fretful.

“Spare us the rubbish, young Chints. Show-off? Hah! Speedily can easily touch 120 without huffin’ an’ puffin’. That’s at least ten times faster than your slowpoke shunt-artist friends.”

This cruel barb came from Danny Diesel who had just entered the loco shed for his last-minute check-up. Danny knew very well that this kind of talk hurt the old timers and their loyal friend Chintu. But he hardly ever let that stop him.

“Keep quiet, Danny” was Chintu’s angry retort.

Before he could continue, Cheerful Chuggy gave a warning toot.

“Cool it, Chintoo. Danny is – toot! – right,” he said a trifle mournfully. “It’s Danny and Speedy and – toot! – youngsters like them who do all the real – toot! – fast work in the shunting yard these days.”

Chintu wanted to point out that, all said and done, Danny guzzled diesel oil and Speedy thrived on electricity while his pals worked strictly on their own steam. But he knew it wouldn’t do any good to dispel the dark and gloomy mood Huffy was in right now.

“Times have sure changed, haven’t they?” sputtered Huffy despondently. “Why I still remember the days…”

“Can it, Gramps,” cut in Danny with a sneer. “Spare us another one of your – yawwwn! – rambling loco tales.”

Chintu sat quietly until Danny left the loco shed.

“Don’t mind him, Huffy,” he said once he was sure Danny was out of earshot. “He just likes to tease, you know.”

That didn’t lift Huffy’s dark mood. But Cheerful Chuggy was as usual true to his name.    

“Quit being so huffy, Huffy dear,” he appealed to his friend playfully. “Do tell young – toot! – Chintoo how you saved your – toot! – train when the rains had – toot! toot! – washed away the bridge near – toot! – Hoshiarpur, wasn’t it?”

Chuggy knew that would do the trick. It did. Like always.

An hour later, after listening to Huffy’s tale (he had heard it at least a dozen times before), Chintu left the loco shed in deep thought.

His mind was made up. He had to get Huffy and Chuggy out of the loco shed and the shunt yard pretty fast. The change would do them a world of good. Also, it would teach Speedy and Danny a long overdue lesson.

There was an even more pressing reason for haste.

Chintu’s dad was the superintendent of the shunt year where Huffy and Chuggy worked. He knew all that was going on in the yard and the loco shed. Lately, there had been a lot of loose talk about retiring the old timers to the junk heap. The sooner, the better was the verdict of the Speedy and Danny gang. All that was now needed, it seemed, was the arrival of the mini diesel-powered shunt locomotives (the requisition had already been issued for them, said his dad) along with the final clearance from the Indian Railways headquarters.

So, it was only a matter of time, maybe a few weeks and no more.

Chintu shook his head resolutely to chase away the wicked thought. He couldn’t bring himself to imagine the yard and the shed without Huffy and Chuggy. He must save them.

But how?

“Chintoooo!”

It sounded like a musical horn out of tune. Only one person besides Chuggy called him Chintoo instead of Chintu. And, before he could run out of harm’s way, the “musical horn” had firmly taken hold of his sleeve.

Pesky Meena, his next-door neighbor, was a very determined ten-year old who simply refused to be discouraged by Chintu’s most off-putting dodges.

Sometimes, with luck on his side, he could pretend not to notice her and duck out of her way just in time.

Certainly not today, though. 

”Chintoooo bhaiya,” Meena squealed as was her wont. “Guess where we are going?”

Chintu knew he wasn’t expected to answer. All she wanted was compliance. She had already started dragging him to wherever she had decided they were going.

Meena took Chintu’s silence for consent and skipped along the road merrily chattering nineteen to the dozen about the treasure house of delights she was taking him to. She didn’t say a word about where it was, though.

It took them a good part of a quarter hour to get there. It turned out to be the squat grey bungalow, just beyond the railway staff quarters. It was now housing the local Railway Museum.  

“You know, Chintoooo bhaiya, they have on a special show of old railroad pictures. Old locos and trains and stuff. Maybe we will get to see Huffy and Chuggy’s grandpas,” Meena said sneaking a sly glance at Chintu’s face. She knew how fond Chintoo was of the old timers.

They spent the next hour wandering around the main hall and the back rooms. Any other day, Chintu would have devoted many more merry hours in this treasure trove studying every detail of each locomotive and passenger coaches and freight cars in the photographs. Today, preoccupied as he was with the fate of his loco friends, his attention was at best perfunctory. Every glance at the old locomotives in the pictures was a reminder that he may lose Huffy and Chuggy’s company soon.

What made it even worse was that neither Huffy nor Chuggy had a clue about what was in store for them. If only he could think of a way out in time…

It happened when he was least expecting it. Just when they were about to step out of the Museum, a handwritten notice taped to the door caught his eye. 

NOTICE

VISITORS MAY PLACE THEIR
SUGGESTIONS ABOUT THIS SHOW
IN THE BOX BELOW.
OUTSTANDING IDEAS MAY
WIN A PRIZE.
                  
−→ BY ORDER OF THE CURATOR

“Eureka!” exclaimed Chintu who had just read the story of Archimedes. The “loco” idea that had just popped in his head might be just the thing to save his loco pals.

In the twinkling of an eye, he was on his way. Even Meena’s high-pitched “Chintoooo!” did not make him break his stride.

He did not even pause to pet Moti who wagged his tail furiously, jumped and raised a cacophony of woofs and yelps at his master’s stormy arrival. He just couldn’t wait to put down his loco idea on paper and into the suggestion box.

An hour later, a thoroughly confused and utterly dumbfounded Moti once again watched his usually well-mannered master dash away on an errand with nary a civil pat.

The next week passed uneventfully and without a single word from Meena who seemed to have finally taken his unmannerly behaviour at the Museum gate to heart and gave him a wide berth. Even Moti was subdued. And so were Huffy and Chuggy.

It was only on Friday afternoon, after school, that Chintu ran smack into the whirlpool of excitement that had gripped the loco shed and the shunt yard.

As he entered the shed, Danny who had been talking to Speedy excitedly called out to him.

“So, young Chints, at last they’ve had some sense knocked into their fat heads,” he cried venomously. “They’ll soon be banishing your dear old loco buddies to the junk heap where they belong. The crummy bunch of losers that they are! My cousins, real fast mini diesel dudes both, will be taking over the shunting chores. You’ll soon witness some fast and furious action around this place, boy!”

His sneer was as palpable as a razor-sharp exclamation mark. It hurt.

Chintu couldn’t believe his ears. So, finally, it had come to this, eh? All his careful planning and desperate hoping had come to naught. Poor dear Huffy and Chuggy! What was going to become of them? 

Without uttering a word, he turned on his heels and ran as fast as he could out of the shed.

Much, much later, a little after the sun had gone home after a hard day’s work of lighting up the world, Chintu found himself walking home with a heavy heart and a step to match.

“Where have you been all afternoon, Chintu beta?”

Those were his dad’s first words that greeted him as he entered the sitting room in a daze.

His mom who was talking to a stranger sitting across her and sipping a cup of coffee turned to him and said: “Look who’s waiting for you since five o’clock.”

The tall, somewhat lanky stranger got up from his chair and came forward to shake Chintu’s hand. Nobody had ever done that to him so far: treated him as a grown-up, that is to say. He felt a bit awkward, not knowing how to react.

“Well, well, well. So this is Chintamani, the bright ideas guy,” beamed the stranger, his kindly eyes peering at Chintu over the top of a pair of half moon glasses perched precariously on the bridge of his nose.

Chintu was at a loss for words. What bright idea? Which guy? Chintu’s bewilderment must have shown on his face because his father who was watching him intently said by way of explanation: “Didn’t you give a suggestion at the Museum the other day about how to put to better use the old denizens of our loco shed?” 

At long last, a light bulb lit up in Chintu’s dazed minds.

“You mean they liked my idea of a Museum Train going round the country, lugged by Huffs and Chuggs? You mean they won’t be sent to the junk yard?”

“Yes to both your questions,” said the stranger who now had his arm draped over Chintu’s shoulder. “Let me introduce myself, Chintamani. I am the Chief Curator of the Indian Railways Museum here on a very pleasant and personal mission. I had to meet the guy who thought of sending the Railway Museum to the travellers in the remotest part of our country of vast distances rather than waiting for them to visit New Delhi or Mysore or what have you to learn about its century and a half long history. I was especially taken up by your brainwave of hauling Indian Railways’ history around India by a couple of old timers in the loco shed.”

“He means Huffy and Chuggy, beta,” added Chintu’s mom prompted perhaps by his as yet bewildered expression.

“It was evident to me,” continued the Curator, “that only a true loco buddy could have dreamed up this loco scheme. I had to come to shake his hand.”

“And you know the best part, Chintu?” asked his dad in a tone of suppressed excitement.

“No, please,” interrupted the Curator hastily. “Let me have the pleasure of telling him. By the way, did you know that Chintamani means a magical precious stone that can fulfill wishes?”

“It’s also one of Lord Ganesha’s many names,” contributed Chintu’s mom.

“Quite so,” agreed the Curator. “Coming back to the good news, the Indian Railways Museum has decided to roll out at the earliest opportunity the Museum-on-Rails right away. Coming to even better news, everyone linked to the decision-making process has unanimously decided to reward the author of the scheme in a way that will recognize his love for all things connected with the railways, locos not excluded. So as soon as the summer holidays start – in fact, on the evening of the last day of school − the Museum-on-Rails will chug out of the shunting yard on its way to its first stop. And, guess who will be the passengers in the specially attached coach?”

Chintu scratched his head and then shook it.

“Give up already? Never mind. I’ll tell you.”

“As you know, Chintamani, your dad is the superintendent of the shunting yard and, of course, the loco shed. He is one of the best in the business. What he doesn’t know about keeping the hard-working locos – including and especially the old timers − in shape is not worth knowing. He has to cope with unreliable supplies of spares and make do with recycled stuff. We think we cannot find a better guarantor of the rail-worthiness of the Museum-on-Rail than him. So, he will be in charge of the show. Your mom and you will keep him company. But, hey! I have earmarked the two of you for special duties throughout the journey. The two of you will be the official chroniclers for Museum-on-Rails. You will write a blog every day, go on Twitter to mark every notable event, post to Facebook and Pinterest, report to me every day on email. By the way, this is not an honorary assignment. That is what I was telling your mom when you came in.”

Chintu was busy preparing for his annual examination while Huffy and Chuggy were being overhauled and groomed for the real long haul to come – in a securely cordoned-off corner of the loco shed. The driver’s cabins got new upholstery. Their bodies were buffed to a sparkle. Every afternoon, Chintu and his mom visited them when nobody was around, made notes about the progress and took pictures to post on the blog, Facebook and Pinterest. Work also went on apace inside the coaches to arrange the pictorial depiction of historical landmarks – the exhibits, in other words.

Come D (for departure) Day, the Museum-on-Rails was flagged off by the Curator with Huffy proudly puffing away in the lead and Chuggy happily bringing up the rear with an occasional Toot! Or, maybe two, at times. Chintu rode with his mom and dad and Moti in the last bogie, the one to which Chuggy was hitched.

And when he saw Danny and Speedy enviously watching the Museum-on-Rail chugging out of the shunt yard, he had to make a special effort to stop himself from sticking out his tongue.

That, boys and girls, was quite an effort.

His consolation was Moti woofing away to glory at the envious pair. For once, his usually well-behaved master didn’t tell Moti to mind his manners.

And that, boys and girls, did not take much of an effort.

© Deepak Mankar 1974, 2014.

Afterthoughts.

The story you just read is obviously not for The Cloud and the Kite readers’ age group but for the pre- and early-teen crowd.

The latter half of The Cloud and the Kite is based loosely somewhat along the lines of the simple-minded logic of the following nursery rhyme:

For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.

(The earlier part works on the equally simple-minded logic of “if not this then that”.)

The story of Chintu comes up with a loco idea has a logic all its own. When I wrote it, I eschewed what I think of as the classic Reader’s Digest approach to writing: pre-digested and condensed, no “big” words (“plain, common, short words” of “Anglo-Saxon origin” with greater emotional punch), minimum use of adjectives and adverbs, short sentences, enhanced readability, treatment of a subject in outline (no details please, we’re pressed for time, remember?). I’m referring to Reader’s Digest of the DeWitt and Lila Wallace (1889 - 1981) vintage, of course, when every article reportedly got 20 to 30 hours of editorial attention. http://bit.ly/1tBjDND The present-day incarnation of Reader’s Digest is a very pale shadow of its erstwhile self.

I have a running debate with Ujwal about emulating the writing style of Reader’s Digest of the DeWitt Wallace era when I am writing fiction. My understanding is the Reader’s Digest style is okay for Reader’s Digest. They want to make reading effortless and painless. It is also okay for writing print ads and direct mail. But, mind you, it is one-way writing: Reader’s Digest −→ reader. The onus of reaching the reader is always on Reader’s Digest. There is nothing left for the reader to do.

I want my reader to be someone who will make an effort to read what I write. He must enjoy reading and want to graduate to even better class of books. Every time he reaches for what I have written (other than advertising, of course), there must be a tacit understanding between us that the onus is shared between me and him. If he doesn’t know a word or two that happens to be in the text, I want him to look it up. In short, what I am looking for is an alert, interactive reader who reads on his own steam rather than likes to be spoon-fed Reader’s Digest style. Readers from the pre- and early-teen crowd are probably the ideal target for what I have in mind, I guess.

And, much as I admire Groucho Marx, I cannot emulate his example in this particular case, shrug my shoulders and walk away after declaiming:


“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them

... well, I have others.”

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Talk to me in Web 2.0.

I am, you could almost say, a man of (few?) words. On my word of honour, boys and girls. Words are my preoccupation. Or, shall we say my occupational accomplices? Playing with words comes to me fairly easily. I revel in it. I am word-friendly. I wish I were Lord of the Words. But I find myself at a loss for words far too often to harbour any such delusions of grandeur. http://digbig.com/4xsfr. My love affair with words is probably why I so highly value Aldous Huxley, Dorothy Parker, Groucho Marx, Woody Allen, Leonard Cohen and even Seinfeld http://digbig.com/4xsfw & http://digbig.com/4xsfx. My antennae, though, are always out for the meaning of words, even subtle nuanaces. The context and the subtext of word usage http://digbig.com/4xsft intrigue and often amuse me. For me, "There's a blaze of light/In every word," as Leonard Cohen puts it so eloquently in his Hallelujah. http://digbig.com/4xsfn. Take, for instance, the way Gmail insists on calling every exchange of email between two people, maybe a bit coyly and self-consciously, "conversation". That's Web 2.0 talk, dude. Keeping in touch. That's what Web 2.0 and social networking are all about, after all. At least, that's the mantra of the Web 2.0 gurus. Having been in advrtising long enough, though, I am painfully aware that many of the so-called breakthroughs in theoretical thinking are only a new use of old words. Or, the same old words in a new context. http://digbig.com/4xsfs.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Hey, Groucho. No giving up Casablanca, eh?

Remember Groucho Marx’s battle of wits with Warner Bros’ shysters over A Night in Casablanca in the late forties? http://www.infoanarchy.org/story/2003/9/5/211917/5941. It came to mind when I read what happened to 17-year-old Mike Rowe of Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. He registered his name with a ‘Soft’ added at the end for his website last August. This attracted the wrath of Microsoft as well as a cease-and-desist e-mail (19 November 2003) from its Canadian lawyers, Smart & Biggar, saying he was infringing copyright and offering US$10 for his name. In sheer pique, he asked for $10000. In retaliation, they accused him in a 25-page letter (15 January 2004) of harbouring all along “the intention to sell my domain name to Microsoft for a large cash settlement”. http://www.mikerowesoft.com/. Mike seemed to have emerged the winner from this David vs Goliath encounter. He got worldwide attention and fame and 250000 visitors to his website as of 19 January. For a hilarious (though fictional) view of the
row(e), don’t miss out on what’s at http://www.thedailyfarce.com/technology.cfm?story=2004/01/technology_mikerowsoft_01200400027. Point to ponder: If Microsoft puts a notional value as low as $10 on mikerowesoft.com, surely it doesn’t see it as much of a threat, does it? Then why spend several times that puny sum on lawyers’ fees to bully Mike? Is it, as he writes on his website “just another example of a huge corporation just trying to intimidate a small business person (and only a 17 year old student at that) to get anything they want by using lawyers and threats”? But, hey, guys. For all his brave talk, Mike finally caved in and ended his ordeal with a ‘not with a bang but a whimper’ settlement. http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/35113.html. (‘Mike Rowe goes soft, hands over PR victory’ by Kieren McCarthy) P.S.: Two other Mikes – Mikerosoft.net owner Rushton and Mikerosoft.ca owner Morris – too had fallen afoul with the software giant earlier. Also take a look at http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/internet/01/20/rowe.fight/ for good measure.